Monday, April 02, 2007

The Avenger of Blood

It's opening day. Mariners v. Athletics. Can you contain the excitement?


It's Dan Haren squaring off against fatass Felix Hernandez, who had to rely on cutting "a pound or two" of his own hair to make weight this spring. I sit here and I think about all this season might be, about how Adrian Beltre is the baseball equivalent of a used car with a mighty fine paint job and a shit motor, about how two starting fielders speak English, about how what we could really use is Walter Matthau and a case of pull-tab Budweisers, and somehow I dredge up a mole or two of hope. But then I take a look at this mug, and I think that perhaps I'm confusing the Marineros with my other beloved nine, the Diablos Rojos of Mexico City. They at least have suited up Julio Franco, a real baseball player and not Porky the Pig (yes, I know, but it solidifies the Jabba Hutt connection).

But my real belly fire is coming from news, taken from the New York Times but, upon further review, more deeply investigated in the Seattle BlethenTimes. We have a published author on board, skipper, and he's our number four starter (soon to be promoted to number one once Chancho Hernandez slips a gallbladder):


Not sure if you can make out the full title on this one, so I'll give an assist:

The Avenger of Blood: A Plot Where Real Facts and Evidences Face Faith
What does that mean? I think it means that Miguelito is a hell of a writer. Here's an excerpt:

There are many things that cannot be proven through the eyes of the law, but through the eyes of humanity, they are the law.

Thomas Santiago, a fourteen-year-old boy with the carefree existence typical of most boys his age, is accused of committing a series of shocking murders. From that moment on, his life becomes a churning nightmare of death full of questions without answers.
I have not read this book. I should read this book. Those of you breathlessly awaiting a posthumous wrapup on Bowie Kuhn should definitely read this book as you await. This is like Ball Four, but in semi-intelligible babble. And also about murder. And if you're a truly diehard Batista-phile (and who isn't, with a lifetime ERA of 4.46, a man who has won 11 games in one season on two occassions), you might want to consider snatching up this collectors item, then rush to the Dome, er the Safe, and get his Juan Hancock on the inside front cover of his earlier, Spanish language, book of poems. He'll probably be so shocked and awed he'll give you free tickets to the next homegame. Or at least a galley of his next book, which he expects to print in "a few years."

Rereading the small introductory excerpt given us by Amazon, I think we've identified a new team slogan for 2007. Forget "Anything Can Happen." Ditto for "Hit it Again and Again and Again." Dump "It's a Whole New Ballgame." The Seattle Mariners open the season today and Dave Niehaus should be shouting out loud:

Mariners Baseball: A churning nightmare of death full of questions without answers!

2 comments:

stansbum said...

12 strikeouts? 3 hits? No runs? the fat ass kicked some ass today. shades of Mike Moore opening day magic in 1985. today Felix's fast ball that was the nightmare of death for the A's... while Richie Sexton evoked the ghost of Steve "ByeBye" Balboni. starting the run to the AL pennant... Go M's!!

Schmutz said...

Yes, King Felix had a great day. Maybe the greatest ever by a Mariner starter? Stats bureau? Just further proof that fat is the new phat.