Monday, April 23, 2007

Poony on Jeff

Exclusive! Exclusive!

Little did we know, but our well-travelled correspondant Poony Poon apparently had done an exclusive face to face interview with none other than Jeff Weaver while he was still a Dodger (more on that later) and before his ERA hit 13.91, which of course is the year that the great anti-Jewish riots of Toledo, Barcelona took place. Much more appropriately, it's (also, according to my sources), the year that toilet paper was invented. It seems a highly appropriate symbolic/numerologic commonality for the moment, because a growing number of Mariners observers, watching Weavers 0-3 start, seem to want to Charmin him away like so many dingleberries. Clearly, Weaver is not a phantom wipe situation.

Art Thiel:
I wrote before the season that the additions of Weaver, Horacio Ramirez and Miguel Batista behind Hernandez and Jarrod Washburn made the Mariners rotation better than any time since 2003....

In the sweep by the Angels, a team that had scored the fewest runs in the American League entering the weekend, Batista gave up six runs in six innings, Ramirez six runs in four and Weaver three runs in three. They are part of a well-rested rotation that soon must start squeezing in five makeup games.

Weaver's early departure was startling. Manager Mike Hargrove flat-out admitted he couldn't take it anymore, despite the fact that the game was far from decided. "I didn't see it getting better and didn't want to put the club in a hole any more than we were," he told reporters afterward.

Hargrove was so desperate to win a game April 22 that he risked the fragile psyche of Weaver by jerking him in front of his hometown friends, family and former team, which abandoned him last year.

Think Weaver will be ready to rock against K.C. on Friday?

And here's what Geoff Baker found out:
"He'd given up seven hits and three runs in three innings and I didn't see it getting any better," Mariners manager Mike Hargrove said of Weaver. "And the way we've been going and scoring runs late, I just didn't want to put the ballclub in the hole any more than we already were that early in the game."

Weaver declined to be interviewed after the game, telling a media relations representative it "wouldn't be a good idea."
But here's what Poony Poon discovered, back before Weaver made the scene in the great Northwest:

Poony: Everyone agrees you can throw the shit out of a baseball, Jeff, and when they see you in warmups, wow, the ball has pop and it has movement. Then you get in a game and you're completely embarrasing. To you. To your team. To your home town. To your family. To your entire country. Why is that?

Weaver: Poony, do you like teddy bears?

Poony: Jeff, I'm sorry, but I'm here on assignment for Jim Lefebvre and I have a job to do. He needs to know if you're a head case or not. So you tell me, what is going on upstairs? I mean, come on, Private Pyle, what is your major malfunction?

Weaver: You know what, kid? I don't have to take this shit. Let's see you throw the ball on a dime when you've got bankers all over you, you've got four mortgages, your accountant played backup point guard on your high school basketball team and suckered you into a lifetime contract, you bough a shitload of Wal-Mart stock at its 52 week high, the hotel you're living in doesn't have Poland Spring in the minibar, and on top of that your brother is but a child but already a better pitcher than you. You ever tried that shit, Poony? Have you? No, so shut up and get out.

Poony: Can I quote you on that?
Jeff, you just got Pwned. The moral of the story is clear. Once again it just goes to show you that Bill Bavasi is incompetant and can't even get his underlings to do his homework for him. If they had looked up Poony's interview, if they had looked up his stats with the Yankees, we would never be in this mess.


Carlester said...

Jeff Weaver? Jeff Weaver? Don't talk to me about Jeff Weaver. That man is so feeble on the mound, he makes Rich DeLucia look like muthafuckin' Mark Langston.

Jacobo Green said...

Is it just me or does Weaver in this picture look oddly like former Garfield basketball standout Ben "White Chocolate" Rosen?

Schmutz said...

Jacobo, you'll have to ask Derrick Quinett on that one. But he's in Kazakhstan or something, looking for the high plains Yao Ming for a new generation.

Willis said...

How did you find this picture of Poony? did you do a Google Image Search? or were you following Weaver around for many years and just remembered this picture you took?

Schmutz said...

Willis, are you trying to get me fired from my job? I'm gonna sick el Kun Aguero on you.

Willis said...

I'm terribly sorry sir. I figured any work machine would have SafeSearch on. I do not mean to offend and incur the wrath of your army of teenage soccer stars.

Schmutz said...

Cristian Ronaldo is a ninja outside your window at night, ready to whistle several throwing stars into your throat. That's how he rolls. That's how the Rags rolls.